THE REFINERS FIRE IS NOW MY HEARTS DESIRE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pX0knHZorb0 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=larbuWBZ58k&feature=fvwrel I have been reading in Is 58 for the last couple of days since you sent this, seeing more of my hypocrisy over the years. I've said I sought the Lord, but not being willing to be a doer, and not just a hearer, deceiving myself, and pretended for the sake of man's approval, yet my heart had departed from the Lord because I didn't get life my way. I didn't trust the Lord, who is the only one who forgives sin, and had forgiven my bloody sin of having an abortion. I didn't cry out to him to help me, I just got offended that my world crashed in. I've spent my life according to the spirit of humanism, and being "politically right", another phrase for walking in deceit! That is the way I lived my life, trying to be "nice", (my friends called it "being nicer than Jesus"). This has been my strength for my whole life, trying to do the right thing, say the right words, trying to enter in by my good works, (or so I thought) so I didn't have to be honest about myself, all so that I could be accepted by man. When Jesus saved me, I was such a liar, I had made lies my refuge. I didn't tell the truth about myself to my husband, just hid, and tried to "do good works", & "be nice", but WITHOUT ANY SINCERITY! The truth is, I had been unfaithful to him, and ended up getting pregnant with another man's child, and just had an abortion, because I believed if I was honest, he would never marry me. We lived in fornication for 3 years before that, and I didn't want to risk losing what I thought might be my last chance for someone to commit to me. I already had a son out of wedlock, and given up another son for adoption because of my own "looking to man to meet my needs". Jer 17: 5 says "Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the LORD." My hiddeness, deceit, and lying screwed me up so much, that in my heart and mind, I really thought my problems, and our lack of being able to "graft" into one another was his fault! He had his problems as we all do. After 5 years I started telling the truth -- just because I knew I wasn't moving on with the Lord if I didn't. But my heart was not at all pure in these things. I still wasn't telling the truth for HIS sake! Still only because of my own selfishness! Jesus still was so merciful to me, and allowed us to join ourselves to a ministry body where the emphasis was "Speak the truth in love one to another, for we are members one of another", Eph 4: 25. So not seeing my own lack of love, and repenting for it, I just started "speaking the truth in my heart. (A lot of the time without regard for others), or praying first, taking the log from my own eye. My husband of 10 years decided he didn't want to walk with the Lord anymore, and we divorced, and he got custody of our three children. (I didn't see at the time what a hypocrite I was.) I was so devastated, that I reclused into my own world, not even telling God the truth about my pain, or trying to get understanding to my circumstances. This was the beginning of years of darkness for me. I continued walking in my religious ways without much sincerity toward God and the people in my life. I walked in the light of my own sparks, did not hear from the people of God in my life, and made sorrow my bed. A few months after my divorce, I started dating a man who had been a pastor for 23 years before giving up "the ministry". His previous marriage had also fallen apart. We married, and I continued my habits of doing my own thing my own way, and just got offended with his hypocrisies, without looking at my own. I didn't heed Jesus' words about removing the beam from my own eyes so I could see clearly to help my new husband with the "speck" in his eye. (Mt 7: 3-5) I allowed myself to be offended, and it was very familiar to me to accuse him in my heart. Being so deceived that to accuse man is to accuse God. I really exalted myself in my own eyes, and looked down on him for his short-comings. Psalm 36: 1-3 says "The transgression of the wicked saith within my heart, that there is no fear of God before his eyes. For he flattereth himself in his own eyes, until his iniquity be found to be hateful. The words of his mouth are iniquity and deceit: he hath left off to be wise, and to do good." Vs 4 says "he aborreth not evil." That is really my sin, I didn't fear God in the meditation of my HEART toward him. And of course, that heart position was carried out in my other relationships. I continued to accuse God's children in my heart for too many years. I "aborted" people who exposed my darkness instead of coming to the light! Thinking the walls of my pride were keeping me safe. I was the eye, saying to the hand and the rest of the body "I have no need of you." I didn't really understand the principle of the mirror of Pr 27: 19 which says "As in water face answereth to face, so the heart of man to man. Jesus has been trying to get my attention for years to look at myself when I'm shaken instead of pointing the finger at whichever vessel HE chose to use to shake me. Heb 12: 25-27 says "See that you refuse not him that speaketh. For if they escaped not who refused him that spake on earth, much more shall we not escape, if we turn away from him that speaketh from heaven: Whose voice then shook the earth: but now he hath promised, saying, Yet once more I shake not the earth only, but also heaven. And this word, Yet once more, signifieth the removing of those things that are shaken, as of those things that are made, that those things which cannot be shaken may remain." In the midst of the BODY OF CHRIST I have been very religious (deceitful, and doing works of sacrifice instead of obedience) and tormented because of it! Holding grudges (Lev.19:15) Ps 119: 165 says "Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them." I have excused myself for living in offense for years, accusing others when Jesus sent people to help-- when He just wanted to set me free from it! And all the time calling myself a Christian! Jesus said that not the hearers only, but those who DO God's WILL will remain with Him. His covenant with us is that He will be an enemy to our enemies, and I have to be willing to put away the enemies that I have used to cover me. God forgive me -- that His enemies had become my friends in my lack of understanding! Ex 23: 23 My husband and I are still walking out these things in our relationship, he has been faithful to stick with me through the "operation of God" as he is opening my eyes to God's love, and faithfulness, and helping me to care about how I'm affecting others. Lying is a breech in the spirit, and without hearing and DOING God's will, the word says we will deceive ourselves (Ja 1: 22). I am realizing that I have to receive the one sent with God's word in order to truly receive God's Word in my life. I am having to esteem others that God sends to recover myself out of the snare of the devil. I can't look down on others and really think that I'm receiving Jesus. It's a lie that I have chosen to believe for too many years. I have let fear cast out love, and excused myself for not being a footwasher, and seeing the obligation of brotherly love an honor and blessing, rather than a curse. I'm so thankful that God sent Jesus to live and die for me, so that I can be able to overcome these things, and truely be a witness in the earth for HIM in the earth, and not myself. Pr 25: 27 says "...for men to search their own glory is not glory." 18 Therefore I counsel you to purchase from Me gold refined and tested by fire, that you may be [truly] wealthy, and white clothes to clothe you and to keep the shame of your nudity from being seen, and salve to put on your eyes, that you may see.