I was writing my testimony and wanted to send you a copy. I have been an extremely selfish friend and I don't want to be that way to you. I really do love you but I haven't been the best friend. I have lived my life caring about me and getting my needs met. I have treated people poorly when my need's where threatened. I just want to tell you I am sorry for hurting you and I would like to talk to you on the phone. I know you think that Tommy and I are in some kind of cult because we are not the same as we use to be, but thank God we are not. Jesus has really been doing a good work in my life to show me how mean, selfish, controlling, fearful...the list goes on. He is changing me to be a kind of woman who can love! The reason I am changing is because I want to live a life for Jesus and not myself! I pray that you will forgive me for hurting you and being a bad friend. I love you
Galatians 5:16-21 "I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God."
I thought I could do it all by myself. I did not understand the body principle. I always thought that being a Christian was so hard, too many rules to follow and obey. It never occurred to me that I NEED the Holy Spirit to fill me daily so that I can be pleasing in the sight of the Lord. I NEED the body to help me be the woman Christ has called me to be. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor; For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls; for there is none to lift him up." I walked far too long alone and with out the help of family who really cared to lift me up and count the cost.
Hello my name is Ellie Thorn. I am the youngest of three girls. Brought up believing that you could just got to church and be saved and not have to walk it out (once saved always saved). My mom was never able to help me live a life pleasing to the Lord because she couldn't help me get in touch with my God conscience, because she wasn't in touch with her own conscience. She told us not to drink, smoke, fornicate but all along she was doing it. I was very confused growing up I was saying with my mouth I am a good little Christian girl, but all along smoking, drinking and fornicating. My identity was always in my flesh with what I could do best. I was sent to a private school in junior high because I was already smoking and drinking at the age of 12. She sent me to this private school in the hope that they could help me. I stopped smoking and drinking, but by the beginning of my sophomore year I was sleeping with my boyfriend. I felt bad in the beginning but after a while I hardened my heart and didn't care about listing to my conscience.
When I went to college I was ready to get away from everything around me, start a new life where no one knew who I was. I wanted to be able to do what I wanted with out anyone confronting me. Wanting to believe God didn't see me either. I could live in my own little secret world, excusing myself that God did not know what I was thinking nor care about what I was doing. So at college I partied hard and became more and deader to God. One night I had a dream that I was taken up into heaven and I was immediately kicked out. When I awoke from my dream I realized that if I died today I would not be going to heaven. That scared me for a couple of days but then I just hardened my heart again and went back to fornicating and going to church on Sundays. The Lord was trying to help me to wake up and not put any more men through the fire. There is a scripture that says "through the fear of the Lord, men depart from evil." Being afraid for living after the flesh, walking after the flesh, was God trying to wake up my conscience. It's a necessary fear to have. Little children do what they do when they are very small, because they are afraid, and that is the beginning of wisdom for them. They will not love us enough to not go out into the street and get hit by a car when they are two. But they will avoid the street if they are afraid of their mother’s displeasure, and in the beginning of their life that is how it all starts. I needed to be afraid deep inside that God's wrath would be stored up for me If I always denied His still small voice. I had no care or love for the men that I slept with, all I cared about was my needs. I had no care for their soul or that I was participating in the destruction of their soul. And I didn't fear God's displeasure for rebelling against His still small voice. Proverbs 30:20 "Such is the way of an adulterous woman; she eats, and wipes her mouth, and says, I have done no evil".
When I met my husband we were both in the party scene. When we started dating I was always so fearful that Tommy would leave me I was tormented by fear and control and always jealous of everyone who wanted to spend time with him. Poor guy it was nothing short of the Lord that he stayed with me. I viewed him out of the glasses of selfishness, what I could get from him. I was a take mate, not a help mate. I remember talking to one of my friends about not moving in with her boyfriend, I was so insane I remember thinking that everything will be just fine as long as I don't move in with him, it's ok to sleep together just don't live together. She called me out on that and asked what the difference of living with your boyfriend all the time and just living with mine on the weekends? I was putting her under the law, but not even going into the law of God in my own conscience. I shut up fast; I realized that my testimony was bad. Putting a burden on her I was unwilling to fulfill myself. A true Pharisee. Not having any understanding to the Kingdom of God that is in each one of us. I didn't go into that Kingdom and I could not take anyone else there. Tommy and I kept sleeping with each other until we both moved to Montana. We always said that we wanted to stay pure til we got married but our lust always won because we found our hope and faith in each other not in the Lord and His will for us. We needed our flesh comforted because we were dead to God's voice in our conscience. Me moving in with my mom and him with my sister and brother-in-law we could have help with staying pure. Six months before we were married we came to a couples meeting Gene was having. We had attended other couples meetings but this one was so much different, it was real. We began learning about God's Kingdom which is invisible that lives on the inside of us, not an outside building with walls and rules. We talked about Jesus but it wasn't just a preach and then leave, everyone was involved in waking up to God's still small voice in their conscience. We were learning about God's Government, that the Jesus said should be preached, the one that wakes you up on the inside that makes you feel bad when you "walk after the flesh". People were talking about their marriages and the real things that were helping them or hindering them from having a good marriage. I was realizing for the first time that how I treated Tommy was how I was treating Jesus. Tommy and I were so excited that we found a body that was willing to be real and open about their personal struggles and where willing to get involved with us and help us with our mess! I was learning how to stop accusing him and excusing myself and turn to God for answers, rather than avoiding the problems or not understanding them. We felt the Lord's call to Jump for Jesus and decided from now on we would be open and honest with everyone around us. They helped us stay pure for our wedding day! What a great feeling after living a life of fornication that the Lord would honor us with our choice to stay pure for the last six months!
After we were married God REALLY began bringing me face to face with the enemies of my soul. My fear and control only got worse and God was exposing my unbelief and fears so He could deliver me as he promises to do in His word when we will face our fears and unbelief. My problem was I wanted everything my way and had no care how it affected him or the Lord. I was so fearful that I wouldn't get my needs met and I was having to face so many ways my trust was not in the Lord, but in ME, and playing God and being in control, (or thinking your are) is very scary. I would always try and control Tommy by letting him know that he needed to obey me and that if he didn't there would be hell to pay. I did not love him freely; I oppressed him into obedience through anger. I remember always thinking that when he didn't do what I wanted him to do or he wronged me in some way that I would make him pay so that he would NEVER do that again. My husband was going through hell and I was the Queen on my high horse beating him with my words. Vexing my God conscience, and not really caring. I had no bridal on my mouth, I took no thought captive it was all about me and if he rubbed me wrong out came the cursing and the bad attitudes with no thought of what spirit's I was loosing in our house. I was living without understanding to the whiles against me and my marriage and husband. In my thoughts I accused Tommy and excused myself, and didn't even realized that God cared if my motive was to help Tommy or just live feeling sorry for myself because I didn't even care about doing HIS WILL. I had a real problem with anger, and pity. Which is everyone’s lot in life who doesn’t really have passion to please God inwardly. So I tried outwardly to make everything look good, but I started realizing what God wanted me to do was care about who I was inwardly in my secret thoughts. About six months after we were married I became pregnant with our daughter! Because of my control and fear I cursed her life, Tommy would make me upset or mad I would say I don't want this baby. I got so grieved listening to the words that were coming out of my mouth I rebuked it and told the Lord I was sorry and told Him I DID want this child and prayed that my words would be forgiven and she would live and be healthy. Thank the Lord for His mercy and grace; I delivered a healthy baby girl! The proverbs say, "A man shall be satisfied by the words of his own mouth." I was realizing the death of my words, and the cause of my dissatisfaction had a lot to do with my thoughts, and what came out of my mouth. I needed to be renewed in the spirit of my mind.
After I had our daughter I found out that a girlfriend of mine was having a boy I was upset and I asked the Lord why I didn’t get a boy. The answer I soon found out was in my precious daughter. The Lord started talking to me about how I was raised. I needed a daughter to show me, me. She was sent by the Lord to help me see my anger and control. The lord knew that I needed her to be able to remove the log from my eye. I needed to see that I have a choice I can raise her the way I was raised (which I rebelled against) or I could raise her the Lords way, not just talking but walking in it. I knew that if I choose the Lord that I would have to start taking a look at my motives and intentions of why I do the things I do. I had a desire to wake up to God's voice in my conscience so I could see my daughter have a blessed life because she could respond to God's voice in her conscience. I could talk to her about a kingdom and a government that I was ignorant of, that was destroying me, and she didn't have to go down that road. I started realizing that the way I treat my husband is the way she will treat men, and God. If I wanted her to be respectful of God's authority, I could show her by example how she should be towards the Lord by how she watched me treat her father. If I expected her to honor us then I would have to be the example and honor Tommy. When she was a couple months old Tommy and I got into some conflict, I was really upset with him and wanted nothing to do with him and Ayanna wanted nothing to do with him either. I realized right then that my spirit affects her. It was an eye opener. I had control over her choice to receive or not receive her father, her earthly father and more importantly her heavenly father. I did not want to be a preach Jesus and the law mom, but be dead in my conscience towards God and man. I wanted to show her JESUS LIVES by how I loved her father. I needed to stop letting bad attitudes towards Tommy pass with me, or else I was going be creating one BIG attitude in my daughter. Proverbs 31 says, "The LAW of kindness was in her mouth." I realized even when I have problems I can be kind, and want the best for Tommy as I talk to him. And fight for God's cause in a good spirit and watch the Lord come through for us and help us with our battles. I did not have to use carnal weapons, I could use love and faith and kindness on my husband, and those weapons make a man, PRAISE HIS WIFE. A woman who fears the Lord, who is awake in her consistence towards God and man, shall be praised. Those are the WORKS that God will reward us for.
A little while ago I watched a documentary on Oral Roberts and he was saying that he believed in Jesus as a child because of his mother’s faith. Mother Theresa's mother used to have beggars come to the door for food. Her mother would say, here honey, go give Jesus a sandwich. I want Ayanna to be able to know with out a doubt in her mind that Jesus lives because of the way I love my husband and Gods children. When we love people who we do see, we ARE LOVING GOD who we don't see. My number one goal in life is to please Jesus above all else. The Lord's will for my life is to be a Godly wife, mother, sister and friend Eph.2:10 "For we are his creation, created through Jesus Christ ultimately for good works, and God has before ordained that we should live in them". God sent me my ordained work, a husband, daughter, family, friends and Jump for Jesus! I know that I need to be continually filled with the Holy Spirit each and every day to be able to be the right mother and wife my family deserves. I chose to take off the wrong spirit of control and fear and put on the right spirit, the Holy Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control."
I can believe that I can be set free from pretentious, flattery and false unity, and God has been helping me fight for TRUE UNITY, not the fake unity I had lived in most of my life, but unity where you can get understanding to all the things that divide you from God and man. And that my daughter won't have to live in lies and pretense and divisions! But she can learn to love in Spirit and Truth like we are!
Psalm 133 (Contemporary English Version)
Living Together in Peace
1It is truly wonderful when relatives live together
in peace.
2It is as beautiful as olive oil
poured on Aaron's head [a] and running down his beard
and the collar of his robe.
3It is like the dew
from Mount Hermon,
falling on Zion's mountains,
where the LORD has promised
to bless his people
with life everlasting forevermore.
brownidgirl07@hotmail.com
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